It’s a moment many parents face: a call from an adult child who needs help. Maybe for a down payment, a wedding, a business idea, or just help getting through a rough patch. And as a parent, your first instinct is often to step in.
After all, you finally can help. Decades of hard work, smart saving, and careful planning may have put you in a position to give. And giving to your children, especially at pivotal life moments, can be deeply rewarding.
But here’s the truth: supporting your adult children financially can come at a cost either to your own financial security, your peace of mind, or sometimes even your relationships.
So how do you strike the right balance?
Start With a Gut Check
Before you look at the numbers, check in with yourself emotionally. Ask:
- Am I giving from a place of generosity or guilt?
- Do I feel clear and confident, or worried and conflicted?
- Is this a one-time gift or part of a larger pattern?
- Is it important to me to give the exact same amount of support to each of my children? If so, can I afford to help everyone equally?
Some parents struggle with the line between helping and enabling. If financial support becomes expected or habitual, it can delay your child’s independence and drain resources you may need later, especially for unexpected medical costs or a longer-than-planned life.
Know Your Own Numbers First
Before offering help, get clear on your own long-term financial picture. That includes:
- Your expected income and spending needs, now and in retirement if you are still working.
- Making sure you are including your ‘fun’ goals, such as travel, art lessons, regular lunch out with friends – whatever brings you joy. And if you are still working, it is important to prioritize saving enough for your own retirement in a 401k or other account.
- Emergency reserves, usually a 6-12 months spending depending on your situation
- Long-term care planning and other projected healthcare costs
- Desired legacy or charitable giving goals
We’ve seen clients who want to pay for all of college and grad school for their kids, but really should not be taking on that significant of a financial burden because it limits their own ability to save adequately in their retirement plans.
The main takeaway here: Gifts should come from discretionary dollars, not from the bucket that funds your basic needs or safety net.
Consider Structuring Financial Support with Boundaries
Not all help needs to be an outright gift. Here are options that provide support and structure:
- Loans with clear terms – Written agreements can protect relationships and clarify expectations. There is actually a law requiring you to charge a certain amount of interest on loans to friends and family so it is not considered a gift for estate tax purposes.
- Matching contributions – Offer to match what your child saves toward a goal (like a home down payment), encouraging their own effort.
- Time-limited support – Set an agreed-upon timeline and amount for help during job transitions or financial hardship.
These structures can help preserve your boundaries while still offering a meaningful hand up.
Don’t Be Afraid to Say No — With Love
If you need or want to say no, know that it’s not a failure. Saying “I can’t do that right now” or “That would endanger my own financial well-being” models healthy financial boundaries, something your kids benefit from seeing.
You can also offer non-financial support that’s just as valuable: helping review a budget, babysitting during a job hunt, or connecting them with a career mentor. Support comes in many forms.
Make Financial Gifting a Thoughtful Part of Your Plan
If giving money to your children is important to you, whether now or later, build it into your retirement and estate plans. That might include:
- Annual gifting up to the IRS exclusion amount, currently $19,000 per donor in 2025
- Helping with a first home purchase from a place of financial strength
- Contributing to a grandchild’s education fund
- Planning for living inheritances – giving while you’re alive to see the impact
These financial gifts can be powerful when they’re intentional and sustainable for both you and your family. Your financial planner can help you map out what is possible to help your family while putting on your own mask first.
Final Thoughts on Supporting Adult Children Financially
Remember: one of the best gifts you can give your children is your financial independence. It can give them peace of mind, and it models the kind of resilience and wisdom they’ll one day need to pass on themselves. And you can use a bit of humor to bring a hard message: “Hey, I can give you this much. Any more than that and I might have to move in with you down the road, and neither of us wants that!”
Ready to Find the Right Balance?
If you’re thinking about helping your adult children financially, it’s worth sitting down with your financial advisor first. Together, you can look at your full financial picture, explore different ways to give, and make sure your generosity fits comfortably within your long-term financial plan. Supporting your family shouldn’t come at the expense of your own peace of mind and with thoughtful planning, it doesn’t have to.
If you’re not working with a financial advisor and have questions about how you can support your children without sacrificing your financial security, we’re here to help. Reach out to Abacus and learn how we can help support you in achieving your financial goals.
