Episode Summary

Raising kids takes a village. As the old saying goes, it really does take a community to support parents, especially in this day and age of over-scheduled lives and demanding careers. Having a tribe you can lean on makes all the difference. In this episode, Mary Beth and Neela get real about their own experiences relying on their village. They touch on topics such as the importance of building a community, learning how to ask for help, even when it’s uncomfortable, navigating the pressure to “do it all” as working moms, and how investing in your village pays dividends for your family and your career. So let’s get ready for an honest conversation about needing your people to get through this wonderful, exhausting journey called parenting. 

What You’ll Learn in this Episode:

• Why building a supportive community is crucial for navigating parenthood
• Where to look for valuable support and resources
• The importance of asking for help and being vulnerable
• Individuals you can lean on for much-needed breaks
• How to attack parenthood through delegation
• The best way to navigate summer activities and camps for children
• Outside-the-box ways to invest in relationships and support each other
• The one word that can help avoid overcommitting and allow you to maintain a healthy life balance
• The encouragement you can provide your children to assist with additional support
• Why it’s important to cultivate a diverse and supportive community, for you, for your family, for your career and for your financial future

Stay Connected:

• Connect with Mary Beth on Twitter, Instagram, and on LinkedIn
• Connect with Neela on Twitter, Instagram, and on LinkedIn
• Join the Abacus community by connecting with us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and on LinkedIn

Transcript of the Episode

Neela [00:00:14]:

Hey there. Welcome to the If Money Were Easy podcast, the show where we teach you how to expand what’s possible with your money. We’re your hosts, Neela Hummel 

Mary Beth [00:00:24]:

and Mary Beth Storjohann 

Neela [00:00:25]:

certified financial planners and co CEO’s of Abacus Wealth Partners. Today on the show, we’re going to talk about embracing community and parenthood. Let’s dive in. 

Mary Beth [00:00:37]:

This is a great topic. 

Neela [00:00:39]:

This is a really good topic.

Mary Beth [00:00:40]:

Because Neela and I talk quite a bit offline about this and what is happening in our homes behind the scenes. And in talking about today’s episode, we’ve had so many stories in recent weeks about how we navigate who we’re leaning on getting through day to day life and just being able to balance as career driven, active parents also wanting to maintain healthy marriages to the extent that we can. Thank you, husbands, Brian and Tom. And we’ve really leaned into this idea of a village, especially in today’s society. As we sit behind our screens, people are working from home. They’re not going into the office unless you’re Neela, who is sometimes locked out of her office at 0830 a.m. 

Neela [00:01:20]:

Don’t judge me. But also see what happened on LinkedIn. 

Mary Beth [00:01:23]:

Check her LinkedIn for story. But many people are much more isolated than they were 10, 15 years ago. We have social media, we have these surface y relationships. And then you throw in jobs, you throw in children, you throw in after school activities, extracurriculars. You’re supposed to apparently also as a woman, have hobbies. We’re still trying to figure out what these hobbies are, but have to have those as well. And just navigating day to day life, right. There’s all the doctor’s appointments, there’s the self care, mental health, all of that for you, your children, and if you’re, you’re paired off or your significant other, and it’s impossible to go alone. And so this is where having a strong community can really alleviate some of those pressures of being a parent, of hitting this life stage where everything kind of feels bogged down. And we’re going to share a bit today about the benefits of having a village, having a community, leaning into it and insight into what we do in our own lives. 

Neela [00:02:19]:

Yeah, I just add onto that there is so much pressure, I think, on women, but really on everybody, to, quote unquote, do it all. And I think the stakes have gotten a lot higher. I think we all make the jokes of, like, I don’t think our parents did the kind of parenting that we’re doing to our kids. I feel like there was a lot more, like, go play outside for 18 hours and then come back kind of a thing. 

Mary Beth [00:02:42]:

Yes. 

Neela [00:02:42]:

And so it feels like the standards are higher, the pressure’s higher. Many of us are juggling multiple responsibilities, whether it’s paid work outside the home, volunteer work, et cetera. And on top of that, there’s also a little bit of an epidemic of loneliness. There are people spending more time away from the third place. If the home is the first place and work or school is the second place, there aren’t as many third places where you can go to gather and refill your emotional cup. And I think one of the things that you and I have talked a lot about is how much we really rely on our community and our local team to really kind of get through that and also feel like, hey, I’m not crazy, right? This is a lot. 

Mary Beth [00:03:23]:

Yes. And it’s funny. I was actually talking to my mom this past weekend and asking her. I’m like, how are you so casual and calm while we were growing up? We had a pool in the backyard, and I constantly had friends over, were just, like, roughhousing in the pool, and she’s in the house. My mom actually swim. My mom can’t swim. And we’re all in the backyard, and we have a pool. So that was, like, one thing. She’s like, we always had a pool growing up. I just couldn’t swim. So it’s a whole nother thing to unpack, but couldn’t swim. I remember freshman year, we were talking of high school. I wanted to have a Halloween party, and my parents let me have 50 kids over to our house. There’s somebody breakdancing in, like, the foyer. They were just there walking around, so casual. 

Neela [00:04:06]:

Everything’s fine. 

Mary Beth [00:04:07]:

Everything is fine. And I look at, like, the parties that, you know, we have for, like, the seven and eight year olds now. And it is such a different time. 

Neela [00:04:15]:

So different. 

Mary Beth [00:04:16]:

So different. But I was like, must have been nice is mostly what I tell her. Yeah. But going back to the village, talk to me a little bit Nee about, like, how you approach it in your life and some of the things that have come up for you in recent years, especially having kids ages, they are. What we have four? 

Neela [00:04:30]:

Three, five and seven. And yours are five and eight? 

Mary Beth [00:04:35]:

Six and going to be nine in one week. 

Neela [00:04:37]:

Six and nine. 

Mary Beth [00:04:37]:

Six and nine, yeah.

Neela [00:04:39]:

So between the two of us, we’ve now five kids under ten. And I think the needs of the younger ones are different than the needs of the older one. 

Mary Beth [00:04:46]:

Right.

Neela [00:04:47]:

The first thing that I will say that we’ve done is we’ve kept our life very close geographically, so that, like, the vast majority of things we do is within, like, a one-and-a-half-mile radius of our house. 

Mary Beth [00:04:59]:

Oh, interesting. 

Neela [00:05:00]:

So, like, our daycare, we got really lucky and also made it work that our daycare is across the street from our house, and my oldest kid’s school is just under a mile away. I basically, like, drew a map. I was like, I’m gonna go to the best school in this area, and I’m not driving. Right. So I think there’s the geography piece. But what has really worked in those is that each school environment has created a small micro community. So we opted for a very small family run daycare that only has ten families, and so develop strong relationships there, allowing people to like, oh, I’m not able to pick up my kiddos. Can they come to your house for 15 minutes? And that going both ways, really relying on that smaller community for the younger kids and then for the older kids. I don’t know if I’m the only one who noticed this, but it turns out public school doesn’t go year-round. 

Mary Beth [00:05:54]:

Yeah. I mean, it does, but it’s also more inconvenient. We have year-round. 

Neela [00:05:58]:

Okay.

Mary Beth [00:05:58]:

There’s just, like, a lot of breaks. 

Neela [00:06:01]:

There’s a lot of breaks. 

Mary Beth [00:06:02]:

Yeah. Yeah. 

Neela [00:06:02]:

I mean, it turns out there’s, like, a lot more breaks, whether clustered or spread out. 

Mary Beth [00:06:06]:

Yes. 

Neela [00:06:07]:

It doesn’t really match with the work environment. 

Mary Beth [00:06:09]:

No. You can’t take a month off over the holidays. I don’t have that luxury. 

Neela [00:06:13]:

Just casually at the end of the quarter, like, I’m just going to be gone. 

Mary Beth [00:06:16]:

Yeah. Or half day Fridays. Half day Fridays is a thing for us. I didn’t know that was a thing. 

Neela [00:06:20]:

It’s, like, great. I just want to be my child. Yeah. But I think, you know, I was really pushed, especially this summer. Like, I gotta figure out a plan for my oldest for nine weeks. And one of now my good friends, who’s the parent of my son’s best friend, built out a spreadsheet of, okay, which camps are happening? And we tried to kind of line them up so that if we’re going to a different camp, which, again, these camps sound so cool. I wish I was my kid. 

Mary Beth [00:06:48]:

Ellie’s in top Chef camp this week. 

Neela [00:06:49]:

Oh, my God. 

Mary Beth [00:06:50]:

Chef camp. Yeah. 

Neela [00:06:52]:

Nino’s in Lego camp. He’s literally just, like, building Legos. 

Mary Beth [00:06:56]:

Legos. 

Neela [00:06:56]:

So cool. 

Mary Beth [00:06:57]:

Glorious. Glorious.

Neela [00:06:58]:

But it allowed us to really tag team a little bit in terms of pickups and drop offs, I felt very uncomfortable, I will say initially, because I, I have a very demanding job, and, like, my two close mom friends who we were doing the camps with have a little more flexibility. And I felt like I was taking more than I was giving because they were so gracious in offering to do, like, pickups. Oh, you can drop the kids off at my house, which is on your way to work. And they were just like, unbelievable. And I was like, yes, because I need this to work. But then what I did is I was like, okay, the last day of this camp, I’m gonna pick up the kids, and I’m gonna have everybody over, and we’re gonna barbecue so that y’all can go home to clean kitchens. And that felt kind of like, okay, we’re, like, able to share and give what each of us can. 

Mary Beth [00:07:50]:

Yes. Yes. Is that how you kind of work through it? Like, knowing when you’re in a space of, you feel like you’re taking more than you can give? 

Neela [00:07:58]:

Yeah. 

Mary Beth [00:07:58]:

And I think that’s, like, one of the things. It’s, like, that’s also a struggle, because is it the discomfort in feeling like you owe somebody some of, like, it’s just, like, the joy in receiving and, like, I’m also similar to you. And then if I feel like I’m taking too much, I feel like I need to compensate. I need to make it even. I feel like I’m maybe taking advantage, even though that would not be the attention of any of my friends, like, who also jump into assist, but I feel like the scales are tipped a bit, and then it makes me. It makes me uncomfortable. And so I know that’s one of the things that I’ve had to kind of work through and sit with, especially in recent years, of, I’m probably permanently indebted at this point in time because. Because of having a demanding job. And if I have a friends who are more available and they are so gracious and so wonderful, they just volunteer, they’re just like, no, I’ve got it. Or I can do this, like, without even me asking sometimes. Like, I can take Ellie to Girl Scouts. I can do this. And I’m like, yeah, okay, thank you. So wonderful. And then sometimes I feel like, oh, am I doing enough there? Or am I not doing enough? And that’s, like, when that naggy voice comes in. 

Neela [00:08:55]:

Because you are a giver, like, that is your personality, and, like, you want to. Especially, like, knowing you, you want to make sure everybody’s good. And you’re kind of paying attention. You’re hyper aware of how everybody is, even, like, guaranteed, nobody’s keeping score.

Mary Beth [00:09:12]:

Nobody’s keeping score, and so that’s like, just like the interesting thing as somebody, I’m like, okay, getting comfortable. Nope. This is like the life stage and this is it. But that’s been a lot of work that I’ve had to do in terms of building a village and leaning on others is getting comfortable. Like, it’s probably not going to tip the other way, but I can still invest in these relationships and friendships and be there for them and make sure I’m investing and helping that. Maybe not necessarily helping with the children, but making sure that I get out to dinner with my mom friend or making sure that we have, like, some way to gather as girlfriends in community where it might not be, where, like, I’ll watch your children if you watch mine, but if I can’t compensate there necessarily during those hours, how can I make sure that after the kids are down, like, we’re going out or we’re taking time to connect and, like, still getting that space to build the relationship? And so from a village perspective, I’ve tried to kind of zoom out that, yeah, I might not be able to watch the kids, but if somebody is sick and they need a meal cooked, like, we are on it, like, I am on that. Like, we are delivering meals all the time. Like, we’ll either do the uber eats gift card or like, we’re cooking and we have one friend where we joke that we just mostly trade off meals. They’re a mile from us and they’re like, emergency backup. But whenever there’s somebody that’s injured or an emergency or something, we are on a meal train for three to four days in a row for each other, back and forth, and we mostly just, like, deliver food. 

Neela [00:10:21]:

It’s awesome. 

Mary Beth [00:10:22]:

So you have different people and different relationships, I think, in your village that you can lean on, and there’s a lot of emotional benefits that come. That was one of the things, I think, in the podcast episode we did last year. Just like, this idea of boundaries and this idea of feeling like you need to carry it all and feeling like you can’t ask for help. And especially in a day like this, it’s too much. Societal pressures are too much. So you have to fight against those and just say no to more. You do as you said, you keep your activities narrow. Yeah, we overcommit, I swear. They have the extracurricular activities of, like, I don’t know, a college kid because they’re so multi passionate is what I would call kids in terms of what they want to do and they want to do everything. And so we’ve really had to rein it in and talk about how to be impactful and where they can spend their time. But in terms of saying no to societal pressures, you know, on that life stuff, but also being able to then lean on others and, like, accept more help has been really helpful from, like, that emotional, social standpoint. Can’t do it all. Like, how can we help each other? How can we build our kids up in community? And I think the kids are happier as well. Yeah, they have siblings and they. That’s great. We have two. There’s two of you. Entertain yourselves. But, yeah, also, like, they do better when there’s a group of friends around. They’re actually… 

Neela [00:11:30]:

Yeah, easier. 

Mary Beth [00:11:32]:

Easier, right. Have you seen that as well? I feel like they occupy themselves. 

Neela [00:11:35]:

Yeah. 

Mary Beth [00:11:36]:

They don’t need as much, which, you know, I’m not saying that I like trying to push them out the door, but, you know. 

Neela [00:11:40]:

Right. But it’s helpful. I mean, the number of times all three of my kids are, like, coming to my husband and me being like, no one will play with me. Oh, my gosh, guys, there are three of you looking for a buddy. Come on. 

Mary Beth [00:11:51]:

Yeah. Yes. Daily basis. 

Neela [00:11:56]:

Right. I am curious for you. Cause you don’t have family that’s super close. 

Mary Beth [00:12:02]:

Right. 

Neela [00:12:02]:

The closest family is several hours away. And we talked a lot about the definition of community and building community. And I think you, especially over the last couple of years, you’ve really embraced your community. I’m curious, like, how does one do that? 

Mary Beth [00:12:19]:

Well…

Neela [00:12:20]:

What is the instruction manual for those who are like, yes, community. I would like one unit. 

Mary Beth [00:12:23]:

One unit of community. So it’s so funny, I think you asked me recently, like, are you actually an introvert? And I talk about how I straddle both. And so it was during COVID that our next door neighbors moved and another family moved in next door, and she moved in. And our kids are the same age. They started basically buddied up during COVID We spent time together. And this woman, though, is so outgoing. I always joke that she must be running for local office, like, she has to because she moved in, I think three years after we got, I don’t know, five years after we got here. And she knows everybody. 

Neela [00:12:58]:

She’s the mayor.

Mary Beth [00:12:58]:

She is the mayor. We walk to school in the morning. She knows the parents of kids that are in 6th grade. Our kids are going into fourth. I have no idea how she has had time. And so we joke. Like, we send each other memes where it’s like, she’s like, that one friend that’s out there, and I’m the one that’s, like, hiding into the bushes. I’m like, I can’t hold all of the knowledge of everybody else’s kids. I don’t have enough capacity there. And so you get a friend like that, number one. Like, that’s what happens, is you get a friend. You meet the person who knows everybody. That’s the one who is plugged in. And so if you’re somebody who doesn’t necessarily have community, you do have to make that step to say, okay, like, who are the people who are connected? And so I had her. I had another friend, actually, from Ellie’s kindergarten class who was plugged into the school. And then the reason that we live in this community is that one friend that I took that we send meals back and forth. She and I actually worked together, like, years ago, before I ever launched my own business, pre Abacus. So she was one of the people I depended on. So when it came time for me to say, okay, I need more help. I need to lean on. I need to, like, reach out to others. I had had some friends, but I just didn’t ask for help. I couldn’t ask for help. I would talk more about what was going on, what was needed, but I was always like this, doing it myself. 

Mary Beth [00:14:04]:

And the detriment of my husband’s the same way. Brian’s the same way. Very much of, like, wonderful in service of others. But his mindset was always like, I’ve got it. And I’ve also got helping other people. I don’t need any. His thing was like, I don’t need any help. So I’m like, well, if you don’t need any help, we don’t need any help. Right? Got it. And by default, he was the one with the kids. Like, my career was, like, demanding. He was more present with the kids in the home. And so he was like, I don’t need any help. I felt like it was pushing on him or, like, more with me to, like, we got to get help, and then I have to manage this person. So we had to do a lot of talking in our relationship about the need for help and some vulnerability there in leaning on others and getting comfortable with that. And then basically, we have. We’ve taken some steps to ask for support, and we’ve learned when we ask for support, then we’re able to provide it for others. Trading off driving to, like, theater camp or, like, watching the kids, and, like, they’ll come over here or we’ll take them somewhere. So we’ve found if you want one unit of community, sometimes that you start by asking for help. You just have to ask for help. And that’s a big thing. And the second thing I would say that’s interesting, which is, I think, where you and I maybe defer a little bit, is that we don’t have family close by. But Brian, my husband’s parents, are, like, very active with the kids in terms of, like, wanting a relationship with them and so they…. They will come to visit maybe for a weekend. They facetime at least three to four times a week with the kids. 

Neela [00:15:21]:

Oh, wow. 

Mary Beth [00:15:21]:

Conversations with them and to talk about their days. And whereas we don’t have the ongoing dropping off and picking up family support, we have where my mother-in-law will want the kids for, like, a week, two weeks at the time. Bigger time, bigger chunks. 

Neela [00:15:35]:

Yeah. 

Mary Beth [00:15:35]:

So that’s different in terms of being able to have that break as a couple, we can get away more if we’re able to facilitate. It’s a lot to do it, getting to Denver and flying out from there. But if we’re able to, we also have the benefit of, like, leaning on them for more extended periods. 

Neela [00:15:52]:

Yeah. 

Mary Beth [00:15:52]:

Which helps our marriage and relationship and other things that I know a lot of people don’t have, that a lot of people don’t have or don’t want to leave the kids for weekends or a week at a time or two weeks at a time. And so that’s different from our village, too, is that we do have that luxury of doing that from time to time and knowing the kids are, you know, they might miss us, but they’re so well taken care of and so entertained. 

Neela [00:16:12]:

Right. 

Mary Beth [00:16:13]:

Yeah. 

Neela [00:16:14]:

So, provocative question. I think we’ve talked a little bit about this before, and I’ve definitely talked about it with other girlfriends about us pushing our husbands out the door to have social engagements and, like, invest in your friendships. But do you feel that the pressure is on you to build that community? 

Mary Beth [00:16:31]:

Yes. 

Neela [00:16:32]:

Yeah. 

Mary Beth [00:16:32]:

100%. It’s actually just recently come up in our house in the past couple of weeks, is the idea of I maintain the friendships, I maintain the social calendar. If we’re doing group dates and if he is going out, he is going out or the kids are going out or I am going out, it is at my nudging or my prompting is like, hey, you haven’t done this recently, or you should do something for yourself or make sure you’re doing those things, that the kids, their activities are nudged by me to make sure that they’re engaged or they’re doing playdates are happening. It’s always engaged. 

Neela [00:17:01]:

You’re coordinating. 

Mary Beth [00:17:02]:

Coordinating. I hold the community card, definitely, which is actually a lot of pressure. You know, when you think about that, it’s a lot. It’s a lot. How about you? Do you own it? Or is it. 

Neela [00:17:11]:

I do too. Yeah, I do, too. Yeah. I mean, I think when we talk about it and I articulate it, I feel like he’ll make more of an effort and he’s very game to do, like, anything that’s on the docket. Right. Like, very excited. Oh, that sounds great. We’re having them over. 

Mary Beth [00:17:26]:

Anything I suggest is always okay. Like, it’s never not okay. It’s never not okay. But I’m also like, can we reel it in? Or do I have. Am I too much? Is it too little? Is it. Where are the opinions? Mostly. Where are the. Where are the opinions? 

Neela [00:17:37]:

Yeah. And not the, you know, I think we talk about, too is like, the load of keeping it all in your brain. Everybody would love for somebody to come and be like, hey, these are the six things that you need to work on. 

Mary Beth [00:17:49]:

Yes. 

Neela [00:17:49]:

But it’s not like we’re doing this master mind map in our mind and then able to delegate chunks of it. 

Mary Beth [00:17:56]:

Yes.

Neela [00:17:57]:

And I don’t know how to balance that better, short of being, like, you need to have your people too. Right. And then it comes out very clumsy like that. And it’s like, I don’t. I don’t know. I don’t know. 

Mary Beth [00:18:09]:

I don’t know. It ends up for me, sometimes I end up going back to, like, the fairness and I don’t know if you feel the same way, making things equal. I do have quite a few friends, and, like, some of them are local and I spend time with them. I nurture those relationships, and then some of them are out of state who I will do a trip with every now and then, or I have to invest in those relationships. Like, that’s just been, like, a thing that’s important to me to make sure that I nurture those, and it requires getting together. The scales can end up tipped sometimes in terms of, I travel for work, and then I’m wanting to make sure that I invest in my friendships, and then sometimes I travel here and there with my girlfriends, and so that the other side, if he’s not taking action there, it can very easily skew. Right. But I think that’s the thing with men. Sometimes I’m generalizing quite a bit, and, like, I’m aware that it’s skewed. And so I, then I’m holding the tab open that it’s skewed. And so therefore, I’m like, it’s skewed. You need to do something or I would need to talk about it. This is okay. I can see it. And so the communication aspect of that is, like, one of the things that’s interesting, that’s another tab that’s open. Is it skewed? Is this balanced? Okay. And so that’s part of just, like, an interesting thing this happens with, I don’t know if you talk to your, your girlfriends, but, like, my friends, all of my friends handle the community card and they handle the social engagements. They handle the social and emotional health of their children and a lot of times their husbands as well. And that’s not to say that men are, like, capable of taking care of their emotions, but societal pressure is like, it’s, men don’t talk about it. It’s more progressive if you’re doing therapy and you’re working on it and you’re advocating for yourself and you have those things. And so I think that’s an interesting thing that I’ve noticed probably more so in recent years. When I talk to girlfriends, it’s like they’re managing all of that. And men don’t necessarily know how to have friends and, like, they don’t know how to be in community. And if they are in community, it’s a little bit more surface level. You can get together with your girlfriends and talk about, like, Para menopause or health changes or whatever’s going on, whereas men are not.

Neela [00:20:08]:

They don’t go. 

Mary Beth [00:20:08]:

That they don’t go there fast. They don’t. Yeah. And it takes a long time to build those strong relationships. So I think that’s, like, an interesting thing from a community perspective. As women, I think we hold the card and we facilitate a lot and we model a lot for our kids and for partners, our significant others as well.

Neela [00:20:23]:

And I know that we aren’t keeping score because I know that in relationships it’s not a good job to do it. But knowing that there is that load, carrying that community load kind of carrying that card that you talked about, you know, you mentioned asking for help. Something that I’ve tried to work on more is not just defaulting because I became aware of the situation that that means I need to handle it. And so for other things that are, like, awful things that I just, like, don’t want to deal with. I’ve gotten a lot better about putting that on my husband. 

Mary Beth [00:20:58]:

Yes. 

Neela [00:20:59]:

And he’s only too happy to do it just because I came across it first. So I have a little story there. Our dog gets on our roof. 

Mary Beth [00:21:05]:

On your roof? 

Neela [00:21:06]:

On our roof, yes. So after we did our renovation, we have this outside stairs that makes it kind of easy to get on the roof. And we keep trying to, like, block it with lawn furniture and whatnot, but my wily dog keeps getting on the roof, and it freaks out the entire neighborhood because she just, like, sits on the roof like a little gargoyle, and everyone’s like, oh, my God, your dog’s on your roof. She won’t go anywhere, but she’s very much on the roof. And I got a notice in our mailbox, like, a week and a half ago from our mail carrier, who was like, your dog’s on your roof. So I’ve stopped delivering mail, and I’m like, oh, gosh darn it. And I’m like, that is a project that involves going to stand in line at the post office and, like, somehow defending the fact that my dog is no longer going to be getting on the roof, but also not totally sure I’ve been able to do that. I just, like, picked it up and I turned to my house, I was like, I’m just going to let you do that. 

Mary Beth [00:12:02]:

Yeah, there you go. 

Neela [00:22:01]:

I’m like, I just. I just can’t. 

Mary Beth [00:22:05]:

I would probably be the same, to be honest here. I can’t. My mind is broken at this point. You know, I think that delegation is huge to being able to transfer and, like, just trust this one’s going to get done. I don’t want to close it. Right. Because there’s some things you’re like, I’m not even going to follow up on this one. There’s other things I follow up on. Those are the ones where I’m, like, delegating, but then I need to know when it’s done. But other things like that, I’d be like, yeah, just don’t. 

Neela [00:22:32]:

Not touching it. No, thanks. 

Mary Beth [00:22:34]:

Unless another notice comes in the mail, I’m not. I’m gonna assume that it’s off my plate. That’s huge. I think being able to do that, have those boundaries and having a partner who can’t step up and will step up into those areas as well. So part of having a village and having community is in support for the well roundedness of your kids, for your own social and emotional sanity to be able to depend on others. It’s also good just to have outside relationships because it makes, I think your relationship, if you’re paired off, you have more to talk about than the things going on in your household. 

Neela [00:23:03]:

Right. 

Mary Beth [00:23:03]:

But for your spouse as well, I think not necessarily to lean outside from the community, but, like, you have to be able to lean on the village that’s inside your home as well. And every relationship has their dynamics. Everybody has issues and communications. Like, nobody’s marriage is perfect. But I think we talk about this sometimes about how lucky we are. Like, our husbands are very supportive and they’re very active in the household, and it’s very much divided in conquer for the tasks. And I will admit Brian carries a lot more of the household tasks and the doctor’s appointments and making sure they’re at the dentist when they need to be than I do because of the career side. And so I think you and I both have people in our lives, though, where the women are carrying a career and the household tasks and the activities for the kids, and they are on the floor. 

Neela [00:23:49]:

On the floor. 

Mary Beth [00:23:51]:

Yeah. 

Neela [00:23:51]:

Yeah. I mean, I was going to hit. It was like, why are we talking about something like this on a financial podcast? And I think it’s because we do try and hit the fact that mental health, being able to not off ramp in your career or get back into the workforce when you don’t feel like all the pressure on you is so important. And so, like, it’s all so connected. Strong communication, building the strong community so that you just feel like you’re not suffering or having to deal with everything on your own. And it is connected. It’s all very much connected to being able to live a happy life, meet your financial goals, because you’re able to proceed in your career or whatever that looks like for you. It is so important. 

Mary Beth [00:24:34]:

Yeah. It goes back to, we talk about if money were easy and does more money equate to happiness. And we have all the studies that have come out that show, like, how much money and how much happiness, but you could be financially set and still need community even if you have all of these boxes checked. 

Neela [00:24:49]:

Yes. 

Mary Beth [00:24:50]:

Like the epidemic loneliness. People are lonely. And so even if you are financially secure, if you’re saving for retirement, you’re checking all of these boxes, you’re good over here. You could travel, et cetera. You still need community and relationships in your life. Like, that’s why people get worried about older generations. They’re lonely in their homes. Loneliness. The impacts on your body have been equated to the impacts of smoking cigarettes. They age you at that rate and they impact your body negatively. So being able to reach out and lean on others is a skill, and it can be uncomfortable, especially if you have been taught to do it on your own or you have a story of carrying it yourself. But by leaning on others and connecting, whether they’re in your community or you’re creating a more diverse community, or it’s multigenerational, you are expanding your horizon and your bubble. 

Neela [00:25:35]:

Your bubble, totally. 

Mary Beth [00:25:36]:

Your bubble. You’re expanding your bubble and you’re creating change and experiences, and you’re becoming more resilient by doing those things. And so community is about gaining support, and you need it, support. Especially as a parent and going through these life stages with kids. But you also need that interpersonal connection and dynamic. I call my grandma on an ongoing basis and I talk to her. She’s 94 on Thursday. But when I talk to her versus when I know, I see her in person, two completely different things. That face-to-face connection, like that joy that she gets. Honestly, we were there on Friday. She was in the hospital, unfortunately. But my kids, I was like, you know, can we go see Nona? And they’re like, we don’t want to go. And I was like, I’m gonna put you on your iPad. But Nona could use the hug. Literally, just a hug from you will be that impact of, like, just being in person with somebody, in community with them. And to be able to have that face-to-face conversation can create such a positive impact that is not necessarily a financial outlay. 

Neela [00:26:33]:

The one last thing that I would add is, I’m sure you’ve encountered this with clients, too. But people who move to find a lower cost of living, and in doing so, they reduce their cost of living, but they encounter a loneliness that they haven’t had. And so being aware that finance doesn’t happen in a vacuum and that community is an asset. And so if you are moving for financial reasons or otherwise do. Do whatever you can to invest in a community, because it’s easy to take for granted until it’s gone. 

Mary Beth [00:27:04]:

Yes. And this is what comes up a lot with people retiring. A lot of your community can come from work or. Or they are moving to a lower cost of living state, right. And you are leaving behind connections and relationships. And if you don’t have an action plan for rebuilding those, it can definitely impact you from an emotional, mental health side. So in terms of community and money, from a village perspective, I’d say leaning in asking for help, you might not necessarily have to pay for help. We have talked in the past about making sure you’re investing in areas that you can get support in the household if you’re able to. But the idea of asking for help basically just from a easing up the load on yourself, adding more spaciousness to your life, and also having those relationships and others to lean on is beneficial not only for you, but for your family as well. 

Neela [00:27:47]:

Totally. 

Mary Beth [00:27:49]:

All right.

Neela [00:27:50]:

I think that’s it. 

Mary Beth [00:27:51]:

That’s it. Thanks, y’all. 

Neela [00:27:52]:

Thank you. 

Neela [00:27:55]:

Thank you for listening to today’s episode of If Money Were Easy. If you’re looking for more information on how you can expand what’s possible with your money, head to abacuswealth.com. that’s abacuswealth.com for more analysis and resources created by our team. 

Neela [00:28:38]:

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